Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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