its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
