My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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