Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
