I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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