dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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