I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
