my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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