saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
