I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
you inspire me to be a worse person
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
