I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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