too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
