I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
