You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
