im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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