Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
