no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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