I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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