I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
