Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
