She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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