she was so not down for the gang bang
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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