apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
