I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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