Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
