my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
