He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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