I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Randomize
