Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND