I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
