He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's shark week go big or go home
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
