I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
