Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
