Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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