this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
