I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
