She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
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All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
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I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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