Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
