I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
