3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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