I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
