You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
