I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
