the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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