I puked a lego.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
