Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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