I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
