nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
