I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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