My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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