I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
