K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
