I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
