the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
