her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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