I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
