Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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