At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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