I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
